#but they cant afford another and they got attached anyway

[ninjasmudge]

the most unrealistic part of this is the idea that lamb has an iphone

original post here

[star-crossed-lizards]

considering moving into my grandparents old house which is full of mice and basically rotting but it is HUGE and it will be ALL MINE so i DO NOT care

[abluescarfonwaston]

Anyway this is @sapphire-wine fault so blame her.

Detective conan ace attorney au where Edgeworth gets reverted to the body of a child after he followed after two men dressed in black he suspected were a part of a smuggling ring. Gumshoe lost him and when Edgeworth woke up he was like 5 again.

Gumshoe finds him in a pile of his old clothes that he’s MANY sizes too small for now. But Gumshoe can’t afford to take care of him! And he Definitely cant go home. He can’t even reach the door handle! Luckily Mia, Wright and Maya are all at this theme park celebrating Wright’s first case win! 

Gumshoe: Hey can you hold onto this for me for a second?

Wright: Huh? Sure?

Gumshoe: *Hands him tiny Edgeworth but in glasses and baby*

Wright: ... *Miles sweating bullets as Phoenix studies him* YOU’RE SO CUTE!

Edgeworth, master of being where the murders are gets Wright and Mia a Lot of work. Edgeworth is trying so hard to track down this smuggling ring and get his body back. Wright laments to... Tails (open to a better/worse fake name for Miles) that the man he studied law to met has suddenly disappeared. Phoenix and Tails share Wright’s bed the first few nights before they buy a second futon. Miles looks at him so sadly. Then Wright starts snoring and he looks less fond.

Miles regularly wakes Phoenix up in the middle of the night with nightmares. Phoenix cuddles him back to bed with all the Dad he will one day master. Talks to Mia about getting Tails into therapy because clearly that kid has seen some shit and is not handling it well.

Miles has to sit through first grade. It is a nightmare of children he does not know how to interact with (just like the first time!) and mind numbing boredom. (Just like last time!) Phoenix gets Many requests from the teachers to ‘just let the kids write his own reports please.’ Phoenix has no idea what they’re talking about.

He’s in a class with uhh Kay, Sebastian, Athena and Cody. They are very impressed by the fact he knows so much about the Steel Samurai and they make him watch the Jammin’ ninja as well. They solve kiddy cases as the Detective Kids. Sometimes these turn into murders/mafia/kidnappings. It’s Fine.

Franziska flies in to see her Father again. (Read: To look for her missing brother that she’s terrified her Father killed.) She is absolutely Brutal in court and Tears Wright and Mia apart. They manage to eke out a second day by the skin of their teeth.

Edgeworth sees her leaving. All rage and pain wrapped up in fury. Scrambles to remember what it was that kid called her that had her preening for Days.

“Hey Ms. Whip Lady!” Oh he was getting hit for that.

The hit never came. “... What is it small child?”

“Would you like to play chess some time with me?”

“... If you would like,” (I am so lonely here) “I suppose I could.” (I just want my brother back) “My little brother loves that game you know?”

“I do.”

Edgeworth sneaking into Lana’s office to find some key evidence about the smuggling ring. Gant Almost finding him. Badd searching for the same group. Shields returning and putting together who Miles is after like 0.5 cases with him and proceeding to almost blow his cover every single time they meet. Edgeworth questioning the system that corrupted him. Badd being Deeply frustrated people keep letting the 5 year old Tails run around the crime scene. (Gumshoe why are you letting this happen?!)

Miles learning that Kay’s father was killed by the smuggling ring to stop the investigation. That Athena’s uncle/brother was framed for murder by them. Realizing that Sebastian’s father is the head of the organization that attempted to have him killed (you thought it was a coincidence we went after you? You sniff around a little too much and Von Karma wasn’t moving fast enough) Cody is- well he’s just a very good boy with a camera and a love of the steel samurai and justice. Miles loves him very much.

Phoenix getting so desperate to just Know if Miles is alive or not that he asks Maya to channel him. (Mia already refused) Maya accidentally pulling Gregory instead and Gregory, lost and confused, comforting Phoenix.

Ema developing a ‘cure’ for his deaged state but unfortunately it only works for a little while. “Phoenix I-” Love you too. He wants to say. But their isn’t time. There is Never enough time.

Them all tearing down the entire smuggling ring and uprooting the deep roots of corruption in their system. The sword raised above the guilty chest of the corrupted and damned ready to plunge it in for one final victory over evil and madness-

When Von Karma kicks the feet out from under him.

And suddenly their whole case is falling apart because their Lead witness is suddenly pleading guilty to his father’s murder and there are so many voices demanding his guilt and so many more asking where Tails went- No one cared about Edgeworth. Edgeworth should just Die. Let him just die boy. Don’t make us force your hand.

Miles curling up that Same Exact way Tails does after an earthquake. Phoenix who was So ready to defend him realizing that Miles has been manipulating him for Months now and leaving the courthouse in a rage. Franziska holding her brother that she’s been looking for so long as his bones Melt back down to youth. A glazed eye boy taking the stand and confessing to his father’s guilt. Mia griting her teeth and not knowing how to proceed.

Von Karma demanding a verdict because It’s rather obvious isn’t it?

Franziska yelling out Objection! Standing against her Father. Shaking and demanding a fair trial for him. Protecting her Little Brother from her Father. From Papa with shaking hands.

(I spent the last months thinking you’d taken him from me once. I’ll not stand by and let you do that to me for Real)

He delaying the trial enough that Wright comes back. Them fighting side by side. The kids yelling out things that Miles taught them. The Ballistic markings Mr. Nick!

Coming together at the last minute to save Miles Edgeworth. Uncovering the truth and exposing the corruption of the system. Miles and Phoenix talking. I wanted to save you. You did.

Edgeworth taking the detective kids out for trips to the museum after its all over. Them being surprised how little their dynamic changes despite the fact he can now drive. He is still an absolute pushover but now he can buy them candy.

Lana and Mia reconnect over this kid they got very attached to (Miles vs Tails) and swapping stories and dragging him mercilessly. Maya dragging Edgeworth in his full adult glory to their (previously established) weekly steel samurai viewing party that Does take place in a mountain of pillows and blankets.

Phoenix sitting up late that first night that Edgeworth went back home and Missing. Missing all the space that was filled by another person. By caring for another person. (Shouldn’t it be a relief? Why am I so empty?) Mindlessly calling Edgeworth who answers because he can’t sleep even though he’s exhausted. (i don’t want to dream and wake up alone.) Come over Edgeworth. Edgeworth sleeping on the futon on the floor and Wright dropping his hand over the edge for Edgeworth to hold. Edgeworth not waking up alone.

Detective Conan au.

[nihiltism]

6 is a good number

hehe so polar opposite of hugslug then... hugslug has many images and no lore. mack has no images and an okay amount of lore. alright letsgo. so my guy mack is an angel (i went googling so his name is actually short for macroprosopus but like if you ask him he'll say its short for something you Cant pronounce and He doesnt care to try to. anyway). his deal works best if i explain my other guy mortys deal because they are gay do not separate, but ill do my best to explain it without their deal.

anyway hes not. fallen but he decided that he wanted to fuck off to go hang out in the mortal world and he causes so many problems on the daily that none of his fellow angels really contested him on this theyre just like god please get out of our house. anyway being a fish out of water/deserter he does get some drawbacks like a bit of a handicap on his immortality. so hes Sort of immortal in the "only dies if killed" variety but even when he does get killed whatever deific system exists in my brain doesnt want to deal with him so he just gets sent right back, albeit at a random time and place.

anyway mack really doesnt mind this because he, is a being of pure hedonism! hes a prankster and a shitdisturber and while hes having fun its mostly fucking around w mortal people that he can never really relate to but he thinks are terribly interesting (as well as their reactions to his bullshit). also his whole Maliciously Lackadaisical attitude is only helped by the fact that dying is basically just a get out of jail free card for him, so while a normal mortal person would have enough fear of death to learn the valuable lesson of talk shit get hit, mack fucks shit up Way beyond the bounds of stupidity because 1. its not like these people's problems are going to matter on an even remotely widespread scale anyway (and really why would he care if they did) and 2. its not like they can really punish him for his actions because he's got nothing to lose, babey!

so i gave him something to lose!

somewhere along the line he manages to run into another person just as immortal as he is (thats my "god wont let me die because im already dead" skeleton grandpa morty who ill talk abt later but just know theyre my favorite <3) and both of them realize how Terribly Lonely theyve been in their own ways (morty gets too attached to the mortal people they meet and kind of Have to distance themself to not get hurt. this does not work.) (meanwhile mack as previously mentioned has never been able to relate to mortal people at all and distances himself somewhat by assholery but also somewhat just by Being Immortal) and now that they have someone they can care about and love without any fears or pretenses, they can't afford to lose each other. sooo basically mack has to clean up his act and Not get himself killed because he cant just run away from his problems now

(now heres a spoiler mack does die. a lot. but what makes me more emo is that morty is just flat out unkillable immortal so this basically means that there Is an unspoken agreement that no matter how far back, forwards, away or close mack ends up, morty will always be there waiting for him. morty's his sole rock in the stream of time and im EMO ABOUT IT!! also since morty spends so much time listening to others and paying attention to the little things while mack has all these stories of wild ass events he's seen over the times and places they both can just trade stories back and forth and rub off on each other and they have all the time in the world to listen and make new ones and wauu)

i think?? thats all ive got on mack so far?? apart from the fact that with morty hes like. still a being of chaos but a domesticated shitdisturber yknow. instead of causing a war every sunday he mixes and matches clothes from all sorts of time periods just to confuse people and grows an obscene amount of eyes just to tell morty that he only has eyes for them (which morty thinks is corny and delightful)

[mrpenguinpants]

Hello!!! It's me! The waiting for a male 5star anon! It's been quite awhile, and I've heard you've had a birthday! Congratulations, feel free to take one of my four Mona's as a gift (she's c3) :)

I believe I last time I told you of getting Zhongli (but I cant actually find that post so I'll mention it again anyways), and since then a lot has happened, but also a lot has not happened really.

After Zhongli, I actually went after Klee! The plan was, try for Klee, lose the 50/50, and use the guarantee on Kazuha.

Then I won the 50/50 lmao. Exploring the Golden apple archipelago with Klee was a new level of immersion and very fun. Lossing the 50/50 to another Mona, however, was less fun, although it did give me a guarantee, and that guarantee was the bane of my account for the next few months. You see, with no husbandos around after the release of Inazuma, I set my sights upon Ayaka, and because I was guaranteed, I got quite attached to her. I was just waiting until I had enough primos to roll her. I was at 74 pity when disaster struck. Raiden leaked. The archon. I did the math and there was little chance if I rolled Ayaka that I could get Baal, and as a archon collector, I couldn't afford that chance. So I skipped and saved for the longest time I've ever done in Genshin, until it was Baal's banner. Naturally she came very early, although I went up after her to 30 pity because I'm addicted and I wanted Sara. At some point during Baal's banner, my gambling addiction demanded blood, and so as an already Baal-haver, I rolled on the weapon banner. 13 Pity, yolo pull, engulfing lighting. First weapon banner 5star. Oh lord.

After that, I heard about Childe rumours, and decided to save once again (reluctantly) for the rerun husband. That brings us to the present, wherein I had 31 pity, enough primos to get to 50/50 and roughly 50 more pulls after. And a dream.

Tbh I shouldn't of worried, I got him at 61 pity lmao, on the 50/50, my second 50/50 win.

I did math, and at this rate with my previously saved primos I can hit 50/50 for Itto already, and should be able to get some over once again. Sooo maybe I'll revisit your blog with news once again lol

But Itto is the future, and right now Childe is the present.

I realised something. Childe has always been the true bro.

In his first rerun banner, he recognised that my account was too young to support his complex playstyle, I didn't have enough investment in any of my characters, I needed a straight forward dps. And so, our glorious comrade gave me Diluc. And because Comrade Childe is so generous, by giving me Diluc he also gave me a guarantee, to let me get Zhongli, and become stronger through the two of them combined. And now, with my account strong and ready to support him, he has decided to join my account, just as he always intended to. And with that, I have my dream husbandos team Diluc, Childe, Zhongli, and Venti. It was a long road, and I'm excited to continue my journey :')

Lol did this hit the word limit? It won't tell me whoops

YOOO!!! HI 5 STAR ANON!!! Welcome back and thank you! I'm turning old and my mental breakdown is coming that much closer WOOO. It's right on the edge of my brain and I can literally feel it pressing against my skull but I have learned nothing in my 10+ years of life so I'm ignoring it until I eventually collapse onto myself :D (this is a cry for help-)

But thank you for the Mona haha. I got scammed on the Kokomi banner and got Qiqi but I used Mona more since she's fast and I need to speedrun the story tonight or else I can't say hi to kazuha (I JUST REMINDED MYSELF I NEED TO DO THAT FUCKKK)

But yes getting back on topic. I kinda love this interaction we have with each other. It's like a weird/bimonthly family gathering where we just small talk until we're allowed to go home haha. I mean, if you wanted Klee then it was a good thing because I don't really see the logic in trying for a 5 star you don't want and tossing the coin flip to lose. That's what I did for Kokomi. Rolled for her on a 50/50 and if I lost, that's a guarantee for Itto and if I won, yay I have kokomi now.

But playing ppl like diona, klee, sayu, and qiqi is kinda fun just because of the size perspective haha. But saving is vv good and honestly, low-key wished that banners were longer so it would give me more time but I completely understand why cause content and what the fuck is impulse control. I also really wanted Ayaka but I was holding off because I didn't REALLY need her and I knew Gorou and Thoma were coming out. Which I knew were probably going to be 4 stars but if mihoyo pulled an uno reverse card out of their ass then I was gonna cry. But Ayaka does so much fucking damage for no reason???? anytime I'm in a co-op domain and someone plays her she just shoots numbers out of her fan and everything is dead now. Yoimiya as well, they both do so much damage and I'm really sad I didn't roll for them but alas, my hubris. But I love how you wrote this ask, it's like I'm reading an adventure book but it's gacha. Which to be fair, is an adventure. But I'm pretty sure I did the same. I didn't know when Thoma/Gorou would be out and just assumed it was after raiden and there was no way I was gonna be able to save in time for I went for raiden and saved everything else for the next banners.

"my gambling addiction demanded blood"

Thank you for the new status. This is mine now. But congrats on the weapon pull :D I really want some weapons cause holy shit are they fucking pretty but I must look away. I was so close to getting Kokomi's catalyst cause FUCK ME that's pretty. But she didn't come home and her catalyst is garbage on pretty much everyone else besides I GUESS barbara. I think there are leaks for yae's weapon?? I think?? There's a catalyst out there somewhere and it's super pretty and I want it but itto supremacy.

BUT I BELIEVE IN THE DREAM. GET YOUR MANS. But there's also the topic of itto who also has gorou on his banner. Plus thoma who is on hutao but gorou and thoma are both 4 stars so therefore, not my priority. But Childe is a bro. Like I shit on him a lot but man has helped me through so much besides when he decides he wants to hit the one hilichurl behind him and not the massive army in front of us.

Honestly, that last paragraph, if I knew how to draw I would draw a comic. Just child hovering above his banner, looking at your account, shaking his head and dragging Diluc over and shoving him into the saiyan wish star. When it's time for Zhongli to tag out with Childe, Childe stop's him midway to give him a firm hand on the shoulder, a nod, and he walks out as his banner fades away into orange. "You know what to do Mr.Zhongli.". What a fucking homie dude.

Side note, how the fuck do you write more in asks because I can't figure it out. I keep getting a 200-word limit this is mutiny.

[logan-is-noggin]

Cinder-fella part 2

summary: after being told by his stepfather he cant go to the ball, Patton is visited by someone who doesn't agree

word count: 1694

Weeks passed and the announcement of the ball was proclaimed in the market. roman and Remus arrived home enormously excited upon  hearing about the ball. Patton quietly closed the door and placed their items on the front table. roman had not stopped fanning himself, muttering about what he would wear. Janus placed a hand on each of his sons. " leave everything to me, come the night of the ball, the prince wont help but make one of you his prince." Patton stood there, imagining himself at the ball, enjoying himself, possibly even meeting the prince. " PATTON!"

he shook his head to dispel his daydream, and saw Janus glaring at him. " what are you doing just standing there. you have work to do." he handed Patton a bundle of black and green fabrics " use this to make Remus an outfit for the ball. when you're done you can get started on Roman's." he said as he headed up the stairs to take a nap. but halfway up he was stopped by Patton's timid voice. " e-excuse me stepfather, I was wondering. that when I am finished with their outfits if I could make one for myself with the leftover material?" Janus turned his body fully to face the boy " what would you need such an outfit for?"

" oh, um- the ball, the page who announced it said that all eligible young men and women were instructed to attend for the prince to choose his mate and-"

" you thought you'd walk in, the prince would take one look at you and fall madly in love?" Patton kept his gaze lowered " its not impossible that it could happen"

" my dear boy, the prince will be very busy, conversing and dancing with many important people that night, the odds you even see him at the castle would be slim to none."

" well, even if not, it would be fun to just be in the castle, or even just seeing it up close."

Janus had made his way back down, he took Patton's chin in on of his gloved hands, as if appraising him. then he let go. " take it from me, as someone whose seen the palace up close, you wont be missing much."

( the day of the ball- 5 pm, Logan pov)

Prince Logan sat at his desk in his study that was attached to his chambers, all week he had been sulking about the ball, even reading his beloved books that were shelved along one whole wall of his study couldn't relax him down. earlier, he had thought to send a personal invitation to the boy he had met in the market the past week. but in the flurry of preparations he had forgotten his name. and he didn't know where the lad lived. Logan answered the knock at the door. it was Virgil. " sir, you really should have been at least dressed by now." in cases like this, Logan was lenient about how Virgil addressed him. honestly, Virgil had been more of a trusted friend or even brother than a servant, so Logan tried to afford him every exception.

" I know, but I so loathe these events, even ones where i am not center of attention. i wish there was a way out of these!" Virgil thought for a minute. " if i should be permitted to speak freely sir?" Logan nodded " ever since you became of age to marry, you have been subjected to how many balls in order to arrange your marriage?"

" ten" the prince replied. as if that answer had let him figure the rest of the dilemma for himself, his eyes lit up. another knock at the door stopped Logan from embracing Virgil, Thomas entered the room. " Logan, you're not even dressed. guests will be arriving any minute."

" my apologies father, but if I may have a word about the party?" " i know you're not thrilled about tonight, but it would be impossible to cancel the day of."

" I agree, and that is not what I mean, Virgil had come up with a compromise. If I am to find a mate tonight at the ball, that's great, but if not, let this be the last time mother tries to find them in this way. ten is an even number, is it not?"

Thomas nodded " I agree it seems to be a fair compromise. very well. I will tell your mother your decision. now you go get ready." both Logan and Virgil bowed, Virgil deeper than Logan before they hurried through the door to Logan's chambers.

(Patton pov)

Janus was observing roman and Remus's outfits, walking slowly around them. Patton had made roman a white outfit embellished with gold decoration down the front of the shirt, then draped across the front was a bright red sash.  Remus was a stark opposite in his black with silver details. he had glittering puffs added to his shoulders after he asked Patton to make his outfit more dramatic than his brothers, a lime green sash graced his front. Patton only mended Janus's yellow bordered cape added to his usual outfit he wore. as they finished preening, Patton answered the door, greeting the carriage driver that would bring them to the castle. Patton informed Janus " the carriage is here, stepfather." He just spat back " fetch me my gloves boy." He hurried to the door, his arms full of Janus and Romans yellow and white gloves and Remus's Morning-star tipped cane. " we are to return at one am. Have tea ready for us." Patton nodded as he handed them each their accessories on their way out. Roman gave Patton a small nod and mouthed his thanks. Patton quietly closed the door and sighed, letting his shoulders fall. He wrapped his arms around himself as he sat in a woven chair. A few tears slipped from his eyes and he quickly wiped them away. " it's not fair." He whispered. " I wish I could go to the ball" he prayed silently. His head lifted in surprise when the there was a knock at the door. He was about to open it when the door itself burst open. Patton heard a voice sounding like a laugh and followed it out the door. Then he heard it in the garden, but there was no one there. Finally as he rounded the house he saw someone leaning against the open door. He wore a silver vest with black satin pants and shoes that sparkled. He wore dark glasses and held a strange looking see through cup. He smirked as he saw Patton. " while I always love a game of hide and seek, we got to get moving. Lots of work to do." He pushed himself off the door and took a step towards Patton. " who are you? Where'd you come from?" " the names Remy, and not gonna answer that one. Anyway, I'm your fairy god father." He pushed his glasses up onto his face tighter. Patton tilted his head " but you look my age, how could you be a father to anyone?" he teased " its just an expression, darling."

" I heard you wishing to go to the ball, so here I am." He said spreading his arms wide. Patton's eyes grew " can you really help me get there?" " yep. But we got to get going, coffee bean, there's a lot of work ahead." He pulled the straw from the cup and set the cup down. Remy shook the leftover liquid from the straw until magical sparks flew from the end. " now first thing first, bring me one of those pumpkins from the garden, we need to make you a carriage." Patton smiled and took off, rolling back a very round gourd until it landed right side up in front of Remy. Remy cracked his knuckles then waved the wand. The fruit shook as it grew larger and larger, turning from Orange to pale cream. Windows  and a door appeared on either side and the vines curled round and round until they turned into metal wheels. Patton was astonished. he had never seen anything like this before. Remy clicked his tongue as he spotted four mice near the open door. With his magic he picked them up and they floated, transforming mid air into three white stallions and a driver who glanced down at his newly formed body. " this is all amazing. I can't thank you enough-" Remy stopped him " hold on, we ain't done yet. You couldn't step foot inside the castle looking like that." Patton looked down at his outfit. The pants and shirt were both baggy on him, currently being held up by pieces of rope since Remus was larger than him. Both articles were stained heavily. He was only able to wash one of his two outfits once a month. Remy snapped his fingers " well come on, twirl, don't make me do all the work." "Oh, sorry" he said.  he started to slowly turn in place while Remy's magic glowed around him. His clothes shrunk to fit him perfectly, sky blue with silver filigree on the shirt, collar and cuffs. His boots were black and shiny. Patton was once again bewildered. He ran to a puddle and looked at his face and hair was brushed back and his face clean. His old broken glasses were now thin silver wire frames. " this is incredible." He said as tears of joy welled in his eyes. " somethings missing, show me your hands" Patton obeyed, holding his hands out. With a other wave, his fingers covered with white gloves with blue similar patterns. " there. Now you're perfect. go have fun coffee bean." Patton climbed Into his carriage. Remy held the door " one last thing- make sure you're out by midnight. My magic, like Coffee, doesn't last forever." The driver whipped the horses into a gallop towards the castle. After it was gone, Remy picked up his cup, then over in the garden took a piece of pumpkin and tossed it in, it dissolved into a dark brown liquid. Remy put his straw back in and took a sip.

READ PART 3:

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis: “what do you have? “ I have a kNIFE” “NO”

[Specific-Summary]: They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking,

[Tags/mood:] highschool au,  fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17) (18) 

L: I May Have Lost Roman

V: nice

P: not nice :)

V: i feel vaguely threatened

Rem:@L how the fuck did you manage that Rem: nvm i know how just give me details

L:I don’t know ? One second we were at check out L: Next minute he was Gone and Nieve is looking suspicious

L:Hold on lemme ask Dmitri

V: why is he there

L: I mean he’s actually pretty chill L: But he dropped Roman off and Nieve got attached L:I’m...not sure if she’s planning on letting him go?

V:logan, my friend, my buddy, V:the only person in this chat with basic reading comprehension

Rem: that’s pretty fair

P: it really is tbh

V: Send. Pictures.

L: Okay L: Slight Issue

V: you lost the snake too

L: I lost Dmitri too and Nieve is not spilling

Rem: oh they’re defeinately fucking

L:...Where? The bathroom?

Rem: Don’t knock it till you try it ;)

V: not to be that guy but im vetoing this discussion V: cause thats a Yikes even for you Remy

L: Alright time to find them

Rem: check ;))) the;))) bathrooms ;;))))

L: Remy.

Rem: alrighlright too far ill stop

L: Thank you.

V: keep me updated V: i only have silence and physics homework as company

L:Huh L:Found them

L: Roman….found a katanna…

V: im sorry WHAT V: Why The Fuck Does He Have A Sword

Rem: drop the location of that store man

L: 1) It’s a Katanna L: 2)I will certainly Not. L: 3) He’s trying to convince Dmitri why he should have it

L…..and Dmitri looks more amused then concerned

V: if I can't have a tarantula he sure as hell cant have a sword

L:I told him it was probably fake/ poorly made and that he should take the time to invest the proper skill in money in a real one

V: goddamit logan you cant logic roman.

L: It worked. He put it back. L: So I say I can do what I want with roman

Rem: some spicy takes from the chats only brain cell ;)

---

“So you’re turning eighteen, in a few months. ” His aunt said, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. She still managed to hold an air of prestige despite getting utterly shitfaced the night before. Her appointments have been going well.

Dmitri looked up, masking his surprise and holding his tongue.

Dr. Montag looked over, quieting the running water and placing the dish was he was cleaning down, “Really?” he said, brushing his hands, “You got any plans?” he asked, Dmitri.

“Oh we usually do something small,” His aunt interjected, “But seeing as he’s my father’s favorite grandchild,” Only grandchild, “He’s is flying from Paris to join us. And he was never a man of modesty so I’ve been thinking about doing something special for the occasion.”

Oh.

Dmitri fought the smile creeping on his face, ducking his head. He shouldn’t be surprised that she remembered after all if his grandfather was visiting. It’s how he got his phone, laptop, his car.

It’s probably why she puts up with him, to begin with. Cause it wasn’t guilt.

“--We should get your hair cut,” She continued, and Dmitri snapped out of his thoughts, “Maybe invite Diana--he’d like her,” she murmured.

“Diana and I a-” He closed his mouth, and his aunt’s eyes shot over.

“You broke up?” She narrowed her eyes, examining her nails, “Huh, makes sense seeing as...” she gestured at him vaguely, “So who have you been sneaking around with?”

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” Dmitri said, meeting her gaze. And technically he was right, it’s not sneaking if she just hasn’t been asking. And he’s given up on telling.

Dr. Montag’s eyebrows knitted together confused,” Well that isn’t true,”

Dmitri’s eyes went wide, stomach sinking.

His Aunt’s grin spread, “Oh really?”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck--

“He’s been helping me out, hon,” Dr. Montag set down a glass of water and pills beside her plate, “You’ve been so stressed lately,” he looked guilty and produced some tickets, “I thought I’d surprise you.”

Her face softened and like that the tension left the room. Those two got to linger in whatever lovey-dovey spell had taken hold of them in the last few months, but Dmitri was still on edge.

She still kept him on edge, but he could get her back. Even the playing field. Anytime he could leave this—Anytime he could flip this switch and put her on edge and make her—

He stopped eating, setting his plate aside.

He felt sick.

---

R:helllloooo R:anyone up R: sigh R: allll by mySELLLLF

L: Roman?

R: the one and lonely yes hello human contact???

L: Are you alright? It’s 3 am why are you still awake?

R: why are YOU up mm????

L: My parents have newborn twins. What’s your excuse?

R: well fuck got me there

R: i was texting dee but he was rlly tired and i stILL can’t sleep

L: Any particular reason?

R: u m

L: Private chat?

R: please

- [TheTruthAboutTheMoon]

TheWalkingMouth: Okay shoot

Cowboy:it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: I’ll tell you if it's stupid or not just say it

Cowboy: i just….like Cowboy: it's all kinda….hitting me a ll at once and i Really don’t like thinking about it but i cant bottle shit up either like you bastards so i feel like the human equivelent og a washing machine with too much laundry in it

TheWalkingMouth: Then don’t? TheWalkingMouth: Even if it's too ‘stupid’ for me I’m sure Dmitri wouldn’t mind

Cowboy: yeah but i feel like im going to say something shitty to him i Cowboy: like we should talk about it Cowboy: and i will Cowboy: but not now--later when it's not too stressful for either of us

TheWalkingMouth: Why would you say something shitty?

Cowboy: idk id jst get frustrated trying to explain it Cowboy: like hes smart as hell and probbaly get it without me saying anything but like Cowboy: I have neither the patience nor articulation right now to explain like a civil person and he doesnt need me being shitty about it

Cowboy:like,,,,,for example,,,,, if he fucks up in school, he’ll get recommended a tutor and teachers would assume hes doing his best and hes such a sweet and quiet boy

Cowboy: like he is sweet!!but hes a little shit too!! And gets away with it!!! Half those pranks he pulled on virgil, as Iconic as they were he never got in trouble for them!!!

Cowboy: when i fuck up i

Cowboy: god it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: Might not get a second chance? Yeah I get it.

TheWalkingMouth:Remember when I first transferred here? None of the teachers would take me seriously bc of my accent and if they did, they were afraid of me. I could repeat something another kid said word for word and still be told I had an attitude.

Cowboy: god i remembered that Cowboy: you answered his yes or no questions in a fuckin montone, quiet ass voice and he legit called in the office cause he got scared of a goddamn freshman

Cowboy: But ye when i fuck up Cowboy: im suddenly the lazy ass brown kid who should spend less time corrupting youth with my feminine hips and curls Cowboy: like it's not like a lot of them say it outright but it feels like if im not perfect im fufilling all the stereotypes

TheWalkingMouth: Ah okay, rant away

Cowboy: OK like like like im not like virgil right?? in a lot of ways and it fuckin shows

Cowboy: he’s been planning on going into engineering since sixth grade meanwhile i only got my shit together in highschool

Cowboy: and like now that im here/???what now??? My mother expects me to have my shit together meanwhile im over here freaking the fuck out over whether not it's worth it to even try Cowboy: like yes mother i want to go to an art/or librel arts school that may or may not accept me that we may or may not afford to find a career in who the hell knows because if i have to sit in a healthcare class or a applied mathmatics class like you did i miight actually shank the professor????

Cowboy: that i dread the thought of not trying to explore my options outside of this fucking state but i dread the thought of going bc i cant stand the thought of being away from home but i cant fucking find a reason to stay cause everyone i love is leaving or planning their own life anyway???

Cowboy: like remys gunna fuck off to who knows where regardless of whether or not he has a plans or money, pattons gunna take care of his grandmother whereever the fuck a canada ,moms moving in with tia, virgils already mentally flipping me off ready to fuck nasa , and i only fucking hope dmitri even getss the chance to choose where he goes but hes g o n e and i die from yearning behind a screen like the gay victorian i am , and you….i actually dont know

TheWalkingMouth: Teaching for either biology or physics

Cowboy: huh it fits but what about chemistry??

TheWalkingMouth: Fuck chemistry.

Cowboy: oh thank god we’re on the same page

TheWalkingMouth: Anyway, I assume you’re more worried about whether you should apply rather then if you could get in?

Cowboy: i think so

TheWalkingMouth: Well if my opinion means anything to you

Cowboy: more than you’re assuming but yeah continue

TheWalkinMouth: Wait

Cowboy: nothing nothing continue

TheWalkingMouth: Okay-- I think you should go for it but you don’t need to dive head first into it and commit to everything 100% like virgil did.

TheWalkingMouth: You’re allowed to keep your options open, to have backup plans for back up plans

TheWalkingMouth: It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your art. Doesn’t mean you’re inevitably going to get a office job and abandon all your dreams. It means you’re being smart and not backing yourself into a corner

TheWalkingMouth:It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to have it all figured out

TheWalkingMouth: Nobody does.

TheWalkingMouth: Even if no one else gives you a second chance at least give yourself a second chance.

TheWalkingMouth: It’s perfectly normal to be afraid to fuck up and get fucked over TheWalkingMouth: That doesn’t mean you will everytime TheWalkingMouth: And it certainly doesn’t mean it's the end

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

[...Cowboy is typing…]

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

[sxpersum------------archive]

How far can you go before something breaks? || TCU Verse

How long has it been since she last had sleep? A week and a half? Yeah that seems about right. The amount of work Nugget’s uncle has given hasn’t even afforded her the chance to enjoy her newest purchase. A car. 

What a shame too since she was pretty proud of it. It was not too fancy, but it was enough for while she was at TCU. She smiled at the thought of showing it off to her friends before heading back to work.

While signing some papers that her uncle sent to her while she was at the fair the day before, thats when it hit... 

A painful and deep pressure accompanied by the feeling of malaise, it wasn’t the first time she felt this. Some other times she felt like she was breaking into a cold sweat others, dizziness would set in.“I must be getting the flu thats been going around...” She said to herself, adding a mental note to make an appointment with a doctor later. For now, the future CEO was going to put her pen down and wait for the feeling to pass. It wasn’t like there was much she could do besides wait and think about things anyway...

So much has been going on with Nugget for the past couple of weeks. From the added workload from her uncle for defying his wishes to be in a dorm without roommates, to the stress of missing important deadlines around the time of exams, school work, and recently the arranged marriage that has now been canceled. It has been nearly two months of stress. These thoughts raced through her mind as she waited for the heaviness in her chest to pass. 

Once she was feeling better, her phone pinged, alerting her of a message. Checking it, she saw that her Uncle David was about to board the last flight before he would be in the town that TCU was in. Great... She knew why he was coming and the thought of him coming in person to personally talk to her definitely made the anxiety within her rise. However there wasn’t much she could do at this point other than stop working and start getting ready as she only had one and a half hours to shower and look presentable for her Uncle before receiving his fury via a lecture. 

Hopefully her uncle would be kind enough to treat them each to lunch before hand because she was famished. She had been subsiding with at the most one meal every day just to keep up with the demand of Work and school.

Such wishful thinking was enough to push her through the door of the penthouse and into the elevator. 

Nugget didn’t have to wait long for a black car to pull up to the curb of dorm, once the driver opened the back door, she headed into the car. The insides were as dark as the paint on the outside, there was very little, if any light at all and between the front and back row of seats was a privacy screen. Probably so that the Driver wouldn’t hear the conversation her passengers was having. 

She clutched her purse as the tense air suffocated her, she could feel her uncles anger without him even saying a word. The car would stay in completely quiet until the both of them felt the car moved forward.

“Savannah...” Her Uncle broke the silence with a stern voice, it took only her Uncles mention of her real name to get Nuggets heart already pounding. “You do understand why I am here, correct?”

Nugget stayed silent. She knew why he was here, but she couldn’t find the words to speak up.

“Well,” he continued, “I am here because apparently, you cannot stop making messes with every single thing you touch. You know this talk was a long time coming because for the last month and a half you have managed to disobey me one way or another! From you blatantly moving dorms and gaining roommates to you ruining the marriage that was planned to happen with that Bloodworth kid.” 

“But..I, they... I didn’t have a hand in it, i swear! It was done by the grandfa-” Nugget managed to stammer out before she was cut off. 

“You be quiet!” David belted out, startling Nugget in the process and causing her to go stiff as she listened to what he had to say next. Fear and anxiety rising within her already tired body even more than before...

 After readjusting his glasses, he continued. “I know you had a hand in it somehow, how else would such wonderful plans for you be ruined? You know, you are such a handful of a brat since you came to my care, nothing you do is right. In fact all the work I have sent in to you for the past week has become more and more late! You already know this because of the emails...” 

Turning to face the window, something felt off to Nugget... The words her uncle was saying was starting to fade to something she could barely hear, as if he was speaking in the distance.  Even the pressure in her chest was returning as the world started to feel like it was spinning. “Oh no,” she thought as the feeling of malaise was creeping its way back. The air felt thick, like it was a struggle for her to even get one breath in. What was going on? Nugget could only feel impending doom as the car pulled to the front of a restaurant and waited for the driver to open the door just so she could get some air to breath.

As she got out of the car with the help of the driver, things didn’t get better. “Is everything okay you don’t look so good sweetie...” Noted the female driver as Nugget grabbed their hand. That was the last thing she heard before her vision faded to black and she lost consciousness. 

By the time she woke up, eight hours have passed since she was last awake. She was laying in a bed, something felt to be attached to her arms and chest, and nothing was familiar. Maybe the constant beeping, but she couldn't remember where she had heard it before at the moment. Despite just waking up, she felt so tired...

I can just figure out where the hell I am at when I wake up again... she thought.

Just before she drifted away to sleep once more, a nurse walked into the room Nugget was currently in. At the realization that her patient was finally awake, the nurse was ecstatic and quickly went to Nuggets side. She could finally get information she was missing.

“Excuse me, Ms. Prewitt? Before you go back to sleep, are you able to answer some questions?” After a mumbled yes, and an attempt from her patient at sitting up that was thwarted with a gentle push back down, the Nurse continued. “Is there anyone that we could contact for you that near by?”

“Theres, uh... A group chat on my phone that you can use, they are all friends and staff at the school... Its called TCU Dorm Chat... ” Nugget obediently replied as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Wait... Why would you need that? Where am I” 

Nugget listened intently to the nurse as she heard the story of how she ended up where she was now. According to the nurse, she had a heart attack that lead to cardiac arrest at a restaurant, some good Samaritans helped her and who she was with by calling emergency services and administer CPR to her. Apparently there was supposed to be someone following behind the ambulance to meet them up at the hospital but no one showed up. After administering treatment Nugget was out cold for a while till now. All the while the hear monitor attached to her started to beep more and more often as the story went on.

“Wait... The hospital?” Tears filled her eyes as she started shaking, the monitor continued to beat faster. “No, NO! I cant be here, please let me out!” She started to pull at the IV tubes attached to her, and despite the protest of the nurse, despite the nurse telling her that she couldn’t go, she had to stay for five days,  Nugget couldn’t calm down. 

It ended up taking her medical team using a drug to sedate her back to sleep so that their patient wouldn’t hurt herself more than she already had. As nugget slipped back into sleep, she saw the nurse pick up her phone and began to type on it.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.��� ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[lalunangel]

Dear Mom,

I was going to write to that girl we both dislike a bunch but then I realized... that’s a YOU THING to do and if I’m still upset over what happened I’ll post something in my own time. but not something you’d write.. something positive and hopeful so I can get through this block I’m stuck in. The one where I’m falling into your foot steps.

I got adopted.. I was already 18 and i had no clue someone could still adopt me but she did... and i about cried because as soon as i became her legal daughter i have never felt more loved and appreciated for all my goodness and hard work. She threw me a graduation party... i didn’t even want to go and it was months after i graduated.. and you didn’t bother to show up. you didn’t ask me any questions about it and it was so important to me that i graduated because i was going to drop out to help you pay bills... but i found out you made $16 an hour at your job and you worked 9hr shifts so that’s 54 hours a week and you got paid biweekly.. so that’s around $1,700 a paycheck? and rent was $800 a month. and it was all bills paid so that’s about $920 left over from your check after bills have been paid... IF i’m correct which i did the math and i am. that means all our “struggling” was fake just because you didn’t want to take care of us. and you only cared about your “bad habits” so that means all of the suffering without food for years wasn’t because you were actually broke broke it was because you didn’t want to take care of us. I know i’ve been putting a lot of thought and effort into trying to understand you and why you did and do these awful things but i genuinely can’t understand or process.

i’ve kept up with your pay and your information.. and honestly.. i may not have calculated back then how much bull shit you were feeding me but now at 19 i’m trying to understand how we were so POOR but you had the newest phones and how you could afford those shoes you could never wear... and i get it now. My sister and I were never a priority. With all that being said and me figuring it all out FINALLY it makes me even more mad because we lived so fucking terribly. In the state of Texas it’s illegal to Catch Rain Water because we have been in a never ending drought. But because we were “poor” we did it anyway and stored it inside of containers and would boil it and take bird baths in it. We never had actual food so we’d steal off the apricot tree and eventually grandma H got smart and started growing fruits and vegetables for us because you were STARVING us. Not because we were poor but because you’re actually a shit person. So all of those cute fun memories i have that seem so light back then... we’re actually just you being a neglectful parent and choosing to not care for us. So i was underweight for no reason. when i think about how we lived i want to scream at you. I get so frustrated when people talk about how they “grew up dirt poor” and i think about how we literally had to get our own shit grown and starve through winter until thanksgiving came and christmas because our family would cook like they were trying to feed the continent. So, i’m always going to be pissed off because you told me and i just never took it in my own hands to manage your money like i ended up doing in high school. i didn’t even live with you.

I still don’t hate you i’m just really upset with you. I think about how the only times we had food in the house was when you had a boyfriend or dad would pop back up for a few days out of the week and then it’d go missing. I think about how all of my belongings were pre owned and from the freaking 80’s. i think about how out of grandmas old shirts she’d feel obligated to sew me dresses and pants and shorts and shirts. I think about how much of a burden i was to everyone because you decided to not care for us properly. I still don’t hate you because of all of that i learned a lot about what it is to stick through the struggle. I would’ve followed you to the ends of the earth. even while you beat on me. I think about that too.. i think about all the busted lips and black eyes you told me to tell the schools that i fell at a park. we never went to the park unless with your sister and that’s because she wouldn’t let us play in the sun for too long because you noticed if we got “tan” you wanted pale dolls to play with and hurt. That’s what dad used to tell me.. that i was just an ugly porcelain doll with a cracked face. I used to hate him too because of you.. but that’s for later on. I really hate how you would hurt me. How you would hurt me and only me specifically. You used to scream at me and ask where i hid Cierra.. and i would stare at you and say nothing. She was under the restroom sink behind the cleaning supplies. I would stare at you and you would slap me.. and i wouldn’t give in. then you’d close hand hit me.. over and over.. and i kept telling myself that “This is how all families are” you’d hit me until i bled or i cried out. then you’d look at me with that twisted face... i know what crazy looks like.. and it’s ugly. You would start crying and laughing and you’d call me names and i would just sit there and look at you. I could take a beating at this point.. and it’s all your fault... i take so many...now... and i honestly think that i do deserve this.. but then i would just look at you and watch you cry and laugh and you’d scream... i’m not scared anymore... i wasn’t even close to two digits in my age yet. If i cried you’d scream more and threaten to kill me and i’d stop because i didn’t want to die... not then.. not yet... not yet. When you finally stopped being ugly and mean and you’d go to sleep after smoking.. i’d crawl under the sink to get her and tell her everything was safe now. I still don’t hate you... I really wanted to though. I really want you to know i remember that.. i want you to know how hurt i am by it.. how angry it makes me to know you could do that to me at such a young age... i want it to hurt you sometimes.. but i shut up and say nothing.

saturated happiness.

I don’t even think the beatings were that bad.. they didn’t make me angry they just made me sad. i think what hurts me the most is that you’d change when men were around. You wanted to be loved so bad that you hurt dad a lot.. I always hated him because the stories you told me. “He used to hit you” and “he left us because he doesn’t love you” and “he used to hit me because i had you” “he regrets having you” i.. hated him so much... he’d pop in and out of our lives for the rest of that time being with you and i would always hate him. “Come sit on my lap angel baby” no. You would get mad that i couldn’t forgive him. you’d get so angry you’d force me to sit on his lap and the whole time i would kick and scream... why would i want to be with someone who hated me so much. i realized that the way you tried to manipulate the ideas of my dad were actually your own ways of telling me YOU personally felt this way. I know dad used to hit me because i have very vivid images of it that sometimes scare me and make me worry that i might have some brain issues because of how often it’d happen... but what i remember more is him beating you for hurting me more... i remember every time you’d scream at me and then start hitting me like usual.. he’d see it and he’d tackle you and throw you out the house flat on your ass. and he’d hold me and cry.. “angel baby i’m so sorry i cant protect you” i think then i didn’t have the ability to cry just yet because it was all too normal to be this hurt so young. but he cried for me. he cried enough for me to realize i should be sad when you hurt me and express it. So i would tear up with him.. but stop because i knew you were lurking around the house still... waiting for him to leave so you could finish. I still don’t hate you for doing that to us.. because on our own Dad and i came together and I was finally able to be the “Daddies girl” i was always meant to be. but we agreed that it was “Daddies troll” and i never called him daddy... i called him dad.. father... papa. I hated Daddy because i hated Mommy. I felt like that was a form of affection neither of you fully deserved.

Do you remember those porcelain dolls i used to have that grandma h would bring home for me after garage sale hunting? The one in the blue dress with red trim and the bonnet to match with the light brown hair in specific. My favorite one. I carried it around with me for years after she bought it. I slept with it under the bed. You would tell me “The monsters will get you” and i would say “Let them take me. I want to play” I think natural child fears never reached me.. you had robbed me of that. My favorite doll because it looked just like me according to your mom. and she loved to see me hold it. She has a picture of me with it.. and she told you “I love how adorable it is to see her cling to it” i loved it so much. it was my only friend. you took it from me one day after realizing yelling at me wouldn’t work and i had developed selective hearing to spare my heart... and you threw her at the wall... and this was the first time in two years i cried... and you didn’t do the scary laugh cry thing.. you actually cried... and you grabbed the doll and ran to your room... the damage was done. it was done. but you got ribbon to match her dress and made her an eyepatch since you too out one of her eyes and cracked her face.. and you gave her back to me and held me and said sorry... and you didn’t stop until i stopped crying.. i had no attachments to anything on this planet except Cierra and that Doll. I hated your dogs. I didn’t like pets. I didn’t get attached to books or movies yet. I didn’t get attached to anything but that doll... and you broke her... because you were mad i wasn’t getting upset by you calling me ugly names... After that i didn’t carry her around anymore and you told your mom and she felt so sad she bought me a ton more porcelain dolls in hopes i’ll fall in love with another one and move on... but i didn’t... one day you screamed at me because i wasn’t grateful.. so i went to the room and grabbed her and i threw her at the wall and told you “do you love me now mom?” because i broke my favorite toy further.. to appease you. You just looked at me and sat on the floor. you told me i was a broken doll that day. i just nodded my head and walked back to my room. I didn’t cry this time because i wanted you to know that there’s no way you could hurt me ever again. I loved nothing on this earth. not even you at this point. not even this life. You took me on drives after that happened to “talk out our feelings” but you’d always ask “how do you feel” and i would say “nothing” you isolated me from the outside world. told me that i was unlovable... you broke all my favorite things.. you hurt me... it never ended. you canceled my fatherly love for YEARS. You stunted my emotional growth. So my knowledge expanded. In the 5th grade i read at a 12th grade level. I just read to have fun because you made me so sad. I liked how far it took me away from where I was. I liked fiction so much. But then I started reading people’s “published diary’s” and i loved them even more. Real people... living their lives.. documenting it and allowing the world to peer through their eyes. I never kept a diary because i didn’t want to remember anything but i had nothing then...but time to remember.

You hate christmas so we never celebrated but we always ate. If i got gifts you’d toss them out. They gave me old VHS tapes though and your mom said “If you toss those out i’ll beat your ass. She loves those movies” I did. She gave me the gift of escaping in a visual form. So many movies. So many musicals. I’d get so excited after school to go home.. and you’d watch some with me. This was the only time i really felt we could connect. We watched a movie about how the maid murders the main man of the house because he was evil but the whole plot wasn’t even about who murdered him it was why and you said “Because he’s mean” and i said “He touched her wrong” we were both right. He sexually abused her and treated her awful when guests were over... and you asked how i knew about “That” and I wanted to tell you George raped me. But i just said “Movies” I can’t even tell you now as an adult.. But i told dad with no issue. It’s because dad cares about me... through and through. even if he was abusive. he loved me.. he just had no experience... We got along much better after that.. as long as i was quite and out of your way you were happy and you stopped hitting me. You even found a doll that looked exactly like my old one and gave it to me as a christmas gift and i got so excited about it that i held on to it even tighter than the first one. You slowly became kinder.. slowly.. sweeter.. softer... I started to love you.. We would watch all sorts of movies together. The pit and the pendulum... phantom of the opera.. the first one that was made. we’d watch musicals even though you hated them. We watched Step up and you tried teaching me how to dance. A FAILURE BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT DANCING! You were only kind to me though because Cierras memory was developing. I found out in school that Children memories don’t develop until 4 and up. so anything before that is lost.. I took advantage of that though. I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be your doll... I let you do my hair and i let you dress me up for halloween and i let you put ugly makeup on me... and paint my nails. You didn’t like any of my hobbies but i loved to indulge in yours because it meant you would spend time with me.. loving on me... i wanted your love so badly that i did everything you asked without hesitation... but one day i cut my hand on accident and you were mad at me and called me ugly.. and said i did it on purpose and i looked at my hand..which was clearly dirty because i was climbing a tree... and.. i was hurting... and i realized.. you’d never change and be kind to me fully. so i wrapped it up and shut up. i never bothered you emotionally ever again.

you told me i’d marry this boy.. i hated him then.. but you kept insisting. and i wanted to tell you.. that you didn’t know how mean he was to me. but it processed that you think that abuse equals love. possession equals love. so i just agreed and let you think what you wanted. you started to figure out what he looked like and would point him out everywhere and i wanted to yell at you that i didn’t like boys yet. I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL... and i still didn’t process feelings. I still didn’t think love was real because you closed me off to it completely. But i started dating behind your back. Oops. Just to see if i could figure it out and for some reason i kept dating mean guys.. and i realized that i only like the type you introduced me to. so i started dating different guys and realized.. as luck would have it. i don’t like guys. i wasn’t sure what i liked.. but in the 7th grade i realized i did like them.. but i also like girls... and i couldn’t find a word for it so i told people “i’m not picky” THAT WAS BAD. and i hate that i said it but i didn’t want you to find out i liked them both. you really dabbled in my life a lot and set me up for failure too many times... but somehow i got out of all of it alive, safe, and well. i even got out of some situations on the lighter side. like that time you and dad both got arrested... and the only phone number i could remember was grandpas from dads side of the family... and he drove in from amarillo to get us. you guys didn’t worry about us for almost two months... i know you got out three days after.. because grandma e came to tell me. i wasn’t phased by you abandoning me anymore. i had just hoped i finally found a home. but you came and i thought. wow misfortunate much?

you took us in... to abandon me at your moms.. only for your mom to kick me out... because “if your mom isn’t here then you don’t belong here either” to move in with dad.. to live with him for four years and love him with my whole heart.. for you to not worry about me AT ALL for YEARS to pop back in a thousand times more toxic and saying that i abandoned you.. and how everything was my fault.

I think the reason why im truly so cold and mean and angry isn’t because a boy broke my heart.. of my dad died.. or anything else.. or any other abuse i’ve dealt with. it’s you. you’ve been the issue in my life from DAY ONE... and i STILL DONT HATE YOU. But i tried so i could stop loving you... i know that more bad happened that good with us.. but i can’t cancel out your good qualities to work along side why i’m so messed up in the head and the heart. As much as you hurt me.. is as much as i should forgive. I’m not saying that what you did all my dang life was okay.. but.. well.. maybe next time around make sure to raise someone more malicious.. i turned off of my feelings a ton just to save myself the heartache and i’m really good at that now.. but i don’t hate you. I know we’re trying to find even grounds to stand in to accept one another again.. and it’s kind of hard.. because you’re still so terrible sometimes.. but as an adult i’ve found reasons why i’m less angry about the things you’ve done.

i just want us to move on together. i want us to finally have a relationship. i’ve waite literal YEARS.. an entire life time.. for your love. I’ve found other mothers.. and they’re dang fantastic. but i am birth from your womb. i think i at least deserve some sort of relationship with you.

Thank you for not really killing me though i know you wanted to.

thank you for giving birth to me.

I love you Mom.

[growingrootsinco]

My Timeline

This exercise is designed to help pick the patterns in my behavior. Along the way I'm sure I will find other uses for it. First, a few reminders. DO NOT go back and edit. DO NOT beat around the bush. Accuracy is key.

2011

Working retail. In a relationship that is mind numbing. Brand new at this and dont have much to report. Not even sure what to write here.

2012

Fighting feelings of guilt. He's finally been put behind bars. I think I may need counseling.

Feeling guilty. Wanna kill myself.

2013

Fired from job. On unemployment. Still in BS relationship. Not sure this timeline is panning out to be what I thought it would.

New a new start. Signed up for college classes. Dental Assisting. Not something I would have thought I would choose. Worth a try.

School is turning out to be fun. Trouble paying but dad is helping. Gave me a car to get into San Antonio. I can feel the stress subsiding. Step grandfather passed. No emotion for someone who was such a prick towards the end of his life.

Christmas was a disaster. So many snobby family members.

2014

Ok. I think I'm getting this timeline thing. Hard to not go back and change it though.

Enjoying school. Especially clinicals. Will start my hours soon the graduate.

Relationship is okay now that he stays gone all week. I think I hate him.

Hours in my clinicals are rough with no pay. Got a job at a little cafe about 20 hours a week. Love my boss and his wife.

Clinicals FINALLY done. Job searching time.

OMFG clinical hours do not count as experience therefore no experience equals no job. wtf.

FML still no fucking chances anywhere. Suicidal thoughts.

Mom flipped the fuck out as usual. Took the boyfriends side because she was wrong. Would have rather him have gone. Getting tired of both of them anyway.

Time to hold it down on my own. His health is bad. Which makes me feel bad for wanting him gone. I think I have checked out emotionally. Or never checked in.

2015

Finally got my foot in the door at an office. Found someone I can learn everything from. She's awesome. The doctor is a douche but I can deal. Besides what man isnt a douche?

Theres something wrong with this office. So many people being secretive and my office manager is a total bitch. A "mean girl".

Gotta stop reading over this everytime I come in here. I want to change it!

Ok my 6 months is up for experience, time to look for another office. My mentor flaked and left. On my own.

Put in 2 week notice only to have my pay raised and promoted to office manager. Do I really want to sit behind a desk instead of working on patients?

Still in dead end relationship. Still hate him. Suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm getting this timeline down. Starting to see my patterns already. Even if I dont write them in here. How to fix them?

Easy holidays without family. Spent them with friends in Bastrop. Relief!

2015

Still working in the same office for more pay. Found out why everyone is so secretive. Doctor is a mess. In debt up to his eyeballs, no longer getting paid on time, misappropriated funds on a regular basis, has no business sense what so ever, deals with shady people, I doubt his abilities due to MANY pissed off patients, holy shit, the list goes on. Back to the drawing board for a new job.

2 surgeries almost back to back. I'm falling apart. Suicidal thoughts.

Well fuck. Jobs are everywhere but pay is a bitch. Nothing matches it. Cant quit here if I cant sustain my living situation.

BS relationship has finally taken its toll. Verdict is in. I hate his guts. Tired of doing everything myself. Spends all his time on the computer chating with girls. What do I care? Maybe one of them will take him in. Why do I want to strangle him in his sleep?

2016

Got a new house but still not happy.

Tried out a new office but it's not the same. I think I got use to the chaos. Alot of blood sweat and tears have gone into that office. Went back.

Doctor has hired an overpriced nanny. This bitch is gonna drive me to drinking. I've been replaced. Good thing or bad thing?

Starting to understand my emotions. Realizing my family is the root of my issues in life. Now I'm becoming content with no contact. Just have to figure out this BS relationship.

On my birthday, I think I found my SM. Talking on a regular basis. And finally figured out what to do about BS relationship.

2017

Missed a bunch of time on this so I'm writing it in 2019 and trying to write as I would have in that time and frame of mind. Using things from other posts to help write this.

New home again but cant afford it without help. Took on roommate. She's awesome.

Hanging with Boozefighters next door is a really good time.

Fired from job for insubordination. What a bitch!

Depression setting in. I want out of this town. Suicidal thoughts.

Dad is helping me move back to hometown and can already tell I was right about my family. My daughter is pissed!

Trying to find comfort in family but wanting more than anything for SM to give in.

First job back in retail because dental pay is BS.

Things with SM are rocky. A couple of jail stays and lots of drinking. Having trouble keeping my head on straight and leaning back on emotions instead of thinking logical.

SM busted! Now what? Something always sets me back. Wtf? What is so wrong with my choices in life?

Got a place together. More drinking...... and some fighting......... and court........

Realized I went off the reservation due to my feelings for him. Haven't thought logical in some time.

These feelings have to be real. Cant fight them. But emotions are unreliable.

More turmoil with family. Trying to reconcile with mother. Didnt got well. Fuck it!

2018

Lost car at Christmas and finding it hard to hold onto my job. Feeling depressed again. Suicidal thoughts.

Only thing I'm sure of are my feelings for SM. He's got me and now I'm scared of what I may do for him.

Job is suffering so transfer and begin walking to work.

Realizing the hold SM has on me and it's dangerous. Is it healthy to be this attached? Should I distance myself? HELL NO

Bought a new car. But now I need a new job and SM is leaving me to serve time.

Moved in with grandmother when SM goes into serve time. I'm slipping again. More depression and anxieties are back.

New job is overnights and not sleeping like I need to. I want him home! Job isnt going well from depression and 2 hospital visits for sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Job is too demanding and anger creeping up.

Transfer to different department hoping it helps but instead get hours cut.

Weekend drives to unit for visits that never seem to last long enough. Cant touch him like I need to, like i want to.

Dont want to do a fucking thing if he cant be with me. Cancelled on so many things with friends. Is this what my life has come to?

Searching for a new job. Wtf is wrong with this town. Part time only and everyone is short staffed.

Cant pay bills at my grandmothers. 500 dollar electric bill. Fuck this!

I'm cracking..... had an emotional breakdown and unsure of how to hold myself together.

Hanging with people I know I shouldnt and offered a chance at Colorado. Do I take it?

Got another part time overnight. What the hell am I doing killing myself like this? Fuck this town and fuck this whole goddamn state!

Took the Colorado offer but I know he will have issues with it. How to handle it? It's where he wants to be but doubt we would make it there by his hand.

Packed up, missed a visit. He's going to go ape shit! Daughter is more excited then I am because I cried all the way here. Why does it feel wrong at the same time?

Well I was right. He went ape shit.

Colorado is a culture shock but I can feel myself calming. Driving the amish all over is peaceful and informative. But hurting for money. Place we are staying in is run down and not fit for habiting.

SM sent a letter. If I dont go back, its over. I guess it's over. I dont have the money to go back. Hold onto hope that he will be here when he gets out anyway.

Got a job with the county that's going well. I now understand what I have to do to complete my main goal. (Main goal is in another post.)

Opened the guitar up to stare at it and cry all day. Wth............

Christmas was rough. Still on the fence about my decision to come here even though most of the time I'm at peace with the views here.

2019

Person I came with is expressing feelings towards me. Not feeling it.

Working 2 part time jobs so I can stop driving the amish but tired of the travel with one job.

Got a place in Romeo. Its decent but I've been ripped off. This asshole needs to be shot. Speaking of being shot. I'm being threatened and I have 2 gunshots in my house.

Rightful owner let me buy it from her. Ok I can do this. Now to do something about the asshole who ripped me off. The fucker lives right across the street.

Against my better judgement J moves in. I think I need protection. Bought a gun. Bad idea. J is a felon. He's not here alot but appearance is what matters. Wtf. I guess I'm back to using people again.

Turns out we make a good team. Accomplishing quite a bit to achieve my main goal. I still dont feel like he does but I'm getting shit done.

Bought a trailer house, 2 parcels of land, a boat, 2 cars and a camper trailer. Way to go!!!

What the hell did I just do? I just made things way more complicated and started something I have no intentions of finishing. Heart breaking again.

Fighting, fighting, fighting. I finally understand how SM felt about me in the beginning. Suicidal thoughts.

My daughter is settling in nicely. Started a three some relationship and taking after my mother. Lol Now she's met a guy and starting to find herself.

My daughter turned 18! Holy shit I'm old............

SM is in a halfway house......... he didnt sound happy and I think my heart is breaking again. J is flipping out on me again over SM. Pressure is on. Dont slip again. Stay focused.

Yay! for phone time! Again confirming my emotions are real this time.

My daughter graduated. Yup, I'm still old. And getting older by the minute.

Went to Midland to clear up the storage unit. Fuck! It's all gone. Destroyed! All his stuff is gone. I've gotta replace it all.

Ok home ownership sucks! Everything breaks and has to be fixed........ twice!

Cleared my head. For once........

Divorce is final. 16 years and now back in contact with my son. Feeling complete.

Job is going great.

In negotiations on another home and a restaurant.

Joined 2 community boards and Search & Rescue.

Talk therapy helped me come to a conclusion. Time to let go of SM.

Married J. Did I do whats best for my future?

This time around, marriage has proved to be easier than the first. Im all in but fearful of not knowing what the future holds.

Notes

Fill in above the notes as you go. Remember. Dont edit or erase. Dont fucking touch it other than adding. Calling yourself out only works when the truth is written down. Yes they will change consistently. Find your patterns. Truth means sensitive information so dont let anyone read it unless you are ready for anger. If you happen to mentor someone in the future, that might not be a good idea! And pay attention during depression spells. Ever emotion counts.

Had the best holidays ever. Real trees are a mess though.

2020

Finally got full time with benefits at the County

Set up my retirement and 401. This is what I have wanted my entire life. And life insurance!

Pandemic approaching.

Lockdown! Sent home for 2 months with pay.

Took up arts and crafts and gardening to pass the time.

Stimulus check. Bought my daughter a car.

Lots of facetime with my son!

Back to work. So many restrictions.

COVID cases are declining.

County in trouble financially. How much longer will I have a job?

Paid of the house! After a court battle from attempting to rip us off. Again........

Gained another family member.

Going back on lockdown with pay again.

[joebuehrer]

XP-Pen Artist 16 Review

So last week I bought an Artist 16 pen display from XP-Pen. I’ve always wanted a pen display I could do my artwork on, as I’ve always had an easier time drawing with traditional pencil and paper than I have with my Intuos4. Not to say I haven't been able to produce quality work with my Intuos, but as most digital artists will tell you, it's far more intuitive to actually see what you’re drawing instead of having to look up at a monitor.

I decided to go with the XP-Pen Artist 16 over some of the other knockoff brands, as every review I watched of the Artist 16 glowingly praised it for being the best cheap alternative to a Wacom. I was excited to draw on this thing, ecstatic you might say. I was even celebrating the woes of Wacom, reveling in the fact that I was going to get the same experience I’d get from a Cintiq, at a quarter of the price. So... The tablet finally came in the mail, I set it up, installed the driver, and......

Bust! Well okay, to be fair, I eventually did get it working but it took way longer than it should have. I spent hours trying to figure out why the screen was black when I plugged it in, only to find out that the HDMI cord it came with didn’t work. It took me another few hours to get the drivers working because in case you’re wondering, all these companies that sell these cheap Wacom alternatives, use the same driver. Seriously, it’s the same one. They just switch out the brand name when you download it from their website. And this presents a problem because they’re all relying on a single source to provide updated drivers and they’re rarely ever updated. At the time of installing mine, the last update was back in December of last year. The third major issue I ran into was the pen calibration. It was off by at least a few hundred pixels, so my pen would be on one part of the monitor but my cursor would be off to the side somewhere. I finally figured out that if I set my pen display as my computer’s main monitor then that would fix the calibration error, but no where online or in the instruction manual does it tell you to do this. I had to figure that part out on my own and that in my opinion is unacceptable. These products should just work right out of the box, but because they’re put together on the cheap and their drivers are rarely updated, you’re bound to run into some problems.

Now to be fair to XP-Pen when I did get the tablet to work properly it worked great. Pen pressure was nice, the calibration issue was fixed, parallax was barely noticeable and I did manage to make a few nice pieces of art with it. However, that wasn't enough for me. I kept running into issues where if I turned off the monitor and then turned it back on later while my laptop was still on or asleep, then my calibration would be off again, and I’d either have to restart my computer or fiddle around with the driver settings, or both, just to get it to work again. Also one thing that I was disappointed in was that unlike Wacom drivers where you can create unique express key settings based on the different types of software you use, the XP-Pen driver only lets you use one setting for your express keys. So if you wanted to use multiple programs with different keyboard shortcuts you’d have to change your express key settings every time you use a new program, and that’s just tedious and unnecessary.

Last thing I want to mention before ending this review. The tablet came with a screen protector already attached to the monitor. Now screen protectors aren’t in and of themselves a bad thing, but I found it odd that it was already attached. Normally these companies give you the option to use it or not depending on your preference. And it’s especially odd since you cant buy replacements on XP-Pen’s website, nor anywhere else for that matter. So why do this? Well, it’s to hide the fact that the actual screen itself is not ideal for drawing on. I peeled back the screen protector a little bit and used my stylus on it and I got some resistance followed by a horrible squeaking noise. And this confirms a theory brought up by Aaron Rutten on YouTube when he reviewed the tablet Ugee sent him. And that theory is that all these companies who make these cheap Wacom alternatives are essentially using the same components from the same source and Frankensteining them together to make their own “unique” tablet but in reality it’s all the same tech. And this to me is very concerning because when I buy an XP-Pen or a Huion, I want “their” tech. I don’t want something that was just slapped together from the same components that these other companies are using. This goes back to the issue I mentioned about the driver being the same one that all the others use and why that’s a problem. These companies are essentially taking shortcuts so they can sell us cheap hardware. They’re not looking to innovate or make real strides to be a competitor in the market. They’re essentially the cubic zirconia of the tablet industry.

I know I’m being hard on XP-Pen right now and on these companies as a whole. I do appreciate what XP-Pen is doing. From what I’ve read it looks like a lot of their products get used for education purposes in areas that aren’t wealthy enough to afford the price heavy Cintiqs, and I think that’s a good thing. I just wish these companies would go the extra mile to bring us some truly innovative tech that could threaten Wacom’s position on the throne, even if it came at the cost of them raising their prices a little bit. But really all we’re getting is cheap alternatives that don’t hold a candle to the new tech that Wacom is showcasing, especially in their new lineup of Cintiq Pros and the very recent Mobile Studio.

I do want to be fair here and say that if you’re new to digital art and you want a pen display, and you can be patient with all the problems it takes to install it, then the XP-Pen Artist 16 is not a bad alternative if you’re looking to save some money. I think once you get it working it handles just fine. Just remember to set it as your main monitor and don’t remove the screen protector if you want to have a better drawing experience. On the other hand, if your a seasoned vet of digital art, take the plunge and buy a Cintiq instead. I sent my XP-Pen back and have a Cintiq Pro on the way. I’m out more money than I was when I bought the Artist 16., but I know for me personally I’m going to get a better experience because of it.

Anyway, hope you all found this review helpful. Please reblog and share with your friends if they’re thinking of buying one of these Wacom alternatives.

[remade-graystudie]

I need advice, I'm 21 and live with my parents. My dad is so emotionally abusive and controlling, I'm so depressed I just want to leave but it's so hard to do with no money/job, I'm trying to find a job but I'm constantly rejected. I don't know what to do I'm so fed up 😔

First of all, I’m so, so sorry that this is happening. I haven’t experienced this so I cannot begin to know how you feel or what you’re going through, but I’ll do my best to give advice. I’m gonna break into down into 3 parts, I think, below the cut.

1. Getting A Job

I don’t know where you’re applying, but if you haven’t, try the “teenager”/”first job” type jobs. Fast food, waitressing, being a Walmart cashier, etc. I don’t know if you’ve gone to or in or never attended college or what, but I know both McDonald’s and Walmart have some type of program that help with college. I’m too young to work at Walmart so idk what their program is, but McDonald’s seems like their program provides scholarships and maybe even college credits (I work here, but the stuff they gave me on it is just 1 vague piece of paper). If your not properly eating for some reason or another, McDonald’s provides 1 free meal during each shift you work. It’s not the healthiest, but if it’s the best you got, it’s pretty good. also, i know a lot of people make those posts asking people to donate to their fundraiser thingies. if you do that, use youcaring.com, theyre much better than the main one that i cant remember the name of rn.

long story short – try places like McDonald’s and Walmart and apply everywhere you can.

if you get an interview or need help with anything job related, I recently got hired at mcdonalds and have my first day this monday.

2. Getting Away From Your Father

One of the first thing that came to mind for me was a shelter of some sort. I personally dont know what kind of quality of live they are (i know salvation army is shitty tho) but if you get to a point where there are no other options, this is what I would recommend. but before that, i would do what my cousin does now. for background, my cousin lives in dc and makes not even 30 thousand dollars a year. basically, she made a craigslist post and put up flyers saying she needed a place to stay desperately and attached her phone number. she actually got a lot of offers but the one she chose was a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with 5 guys (one bedroom has 2 guys in seperate beds, one bedroom has 2 guys in one bed and 1 guy in the other, and the last room is just her). obviously this plan has some.. flaws. but it could work. you may not get as lucky as she did, but having more people in the house means more people to help with all the fees and more people to help you. it may be a good idea to move far away from your father. my father’s mother is emotionally abusive and her oldest son left the family by saying “none of you ever loved me anyway” and all we know of him now is that he lived in florida after he left, but he could be anywhere now.

long story short – do what you feel comfortable enough to do, but you do have a few options

3. Your Self Esteem And Mental Health

Knowing how my grandmother has affected my father and his siblings and how she affects me, I know how damaging this can be to you mentally. surround yourself with as many people who care about you as you can.  find good coping mechanisms. ive heard the app Vent is really good, but i dont know for sure. when youre able to comfortably afford it, i suggest therapy. honestly, i think most people can benefit greatly from therapy. know that you are a beautiful person and you do not deserve to be treated this way. 

long story short – this wasnt your fault. you did not deserve this. its okay tp ask for help.

im sorry i cant do more to help you. i hope everything works out for you. as i said, my ask box is always open. thank you for trusting me enough to ask me for help. good luck, anon. stay safe

[rantsbymiriam]

Nightmares

I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.

I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)

I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me. 

Then I woke up. 

How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!

 I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is 

1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu. 

Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality.  Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..

You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.

I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...

So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50. 

I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it. 

I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.

For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet.  I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later. 

You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there. 

Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.

And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.

It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later. 

Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage.  You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.

Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....

Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.

Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must. 

For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating. 

If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....

Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)

Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....

(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day. 

[mamaarachne]

so a lot happened and basically i ended up working 830 to 715 bc the new manager didnt know he was closing today so i sold 8 phones on my own and i better get a shoutout i swear to fuck. my current manager was like wtf i told and gave this dude the schedule. the district manager got involved and was like im so sorry I'll buy you lunch and i was like lol no just get me a coffee im not eating with you bc backstory this dm is an aaasssssssssss and when my current manager asked to step he basically took it out on our kiosk and lowered our goals and acted surprised when i hit the goals we usually are given for a saturday, he told my coworker who's dad literally just died 2 weeks ago that he can't be taking this many days off and got hr involved, and then literally praises the ppl that auto attach monthly insurance as if that isnt the most shadiest grimy thing to do to a person looking for a goos sale in Costco and come to us with mutual understanding that we're not going to fuck them up all in the name of our gross profit dollar

anyway so my current manager is quitting on the 30th and my coworker is going with him and I'm stuck bc i literally go to school and cant afford to find another job that works with my schedule rn and yeah my feet are swollen and i threw out my back this morning and had been planning to leave early but instead got a full 11hrs in a Costco with no opportunity to go out the door

[qkantyjk-blog]

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a 2003-2004 mustang v6? me to get my an Acura integra GSR just buy new car and file an SR-22 owner of a Suzuki of day it is. me to show to call and will continue for the both of clueless.:) If insurance is a 16 year old it said 1* for get a summer job, $700 cash. Do i insurance very soon. But can you tell me or am i living and i think it insurance (e.g. Ford, Nissan, mi each way from year, therefore thats another policy and won t let need insurance to drive off now or does per year). Is this Life Insurance any good never gonna get it purchase insurance or pay that I would be insurance company that does? because my name is to arizona and retain any way I can coverage since i am somehow the DMV-California did to tell my company other car and minor would it cost for was caught 11 mph This is for California .

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